where is my faith?

Where is my faith concerning having a baby? Everything was so good this month. We had great timing, my chart was perfect. It looked just like the one from May. I thought for sure this was the month. I was so certain that I would get to tell Jayson this morning.

Yeah right. Why would I get to be so lucky? Why would things work out so good for me? After going through this 10 times before, you would think I would learn to not get my hopes up. I dont know if it is because I have a baby shower to go to today or what, but I was really hoping this would be it. It could be because next month will be a year since I stopped the pill. Some months are easier than others, this is one of the harder ones.

Why does this have to be so hard? I know it will happen in God's time. That is easy to say and I am still learning to believe it. Some days I am certain of it, some days I doubt it. It says in Hebrews that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I have this kind of faith in some things on some days, but I know I dont all the time. I am still learning and I am not perfect. I don't know if I can be certain that I will get pregnant again. I doubt my body, I wonder if it will ever happen.

I do pretty good with the subject of faith in most things. I used to worry more than I do now, but I know that there are things I can't control. Yes, I had to actually learn that. I can't say that I really worry about anything other than will I be able to get pregnant and have a baby. Worry does not accomplish anything. I think that worry is a sign of little faith. I think that God tests your faith in the things that mean a whole lot to you. I think that He wants to see how faithful you are without those things. I think that this is the case with Jayson, I and a baby. I think He needs to see more of my faithfulness without having a child. I need prayers for more faith in this area in particular.

Sorry to be such a downer post. I usually try to stay away from the subject for the obvious reason, but I had to get this out. Yes I am crying, yes I am upset and this helps me so Jayson does not have to listen to as much of my whining. It also helps to get this out and be able to move on, to be able to put on the happy face today at the shower and getting to spend the day with Jayson.

Wow. I fell so much better now. I am ready for today. On the positive side, if I get pregnant next month, I will be due around my Grandma Ruby's Birthday!